Thoughts Entering Year 12.

January 2026 marks the end of the eleventh full year after I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. I am now living in the 12^th year since I found out.

It has also been 25 months since my Car T cell procedure. That procedure was the fifth attempt by my oncologist and myself at managing this most persistent disease ( I could have used the word incurable instead of persistent, but it seemed so harsh and brother in my humble opinion, boy do we need some less harsh energy). 

So where am I -physically, mentally and emotionally?  Great question which has a moving target type of answer. 

Physically my situation has been calm. Post CAR T, my numbers have not required an immediate need to try something else.  Mentally, I struggle with wondering about what comes next and when. Emotionally, well more often than not, I am steady.  However, there are days.

Time, and all that is around me, keeps moving forward. I too have continued to move forward. And as each day passes, I am still in awe of all that has happened.

Several experiences from this past month have really embedded into my thoughts as year twelve begins. Let me share.

-       Yesterday, I was walking on a looped trail/path that was of a cinder/fine gravel-ish nature. Most noticeable about the experience was the sound of my walking. It was mesmerizing. Left foot down (sound of cinders being stepped on), then the right foot down (sound of cinders being stepped on), then the left foot down (sound of cinders being stepped on), then the right foot down (sound of cinders being stepped on), then the left foot down (sound of cinders being stepped on) …  and so it went until I was back at the beginning of the loop done with the hike. It went by so fast – just walking forward.

-       I met a gentleman at the end of another hike about a week ago. I had just finished and he was just starting. Our eyes met and we greeted each other. Pleasantries were exchanged. For some reason I asked him where he was from. He answered that right now he is not from anywhere because he is living in an RV and traveling. He explained that his wife had died of cancer (his words “she got a death sentence”). Before she passed, they bought an RV and travelled as much as they could. He mentioned she died recently, and he is trying to figure out what’s next. I could not help myself. I had to know. So, I asked, “what kind of cancer if you don’t mind me asking” He replied “no I do not mind, she died of Multiple Myeloma. You know it is a terrible cancer. No cure. She lasted five years.”  I just nodded. 

-       Golf in January, you bet. I played a round (yes you can play golf year-round if you are lucky and the weather cooperates) at a course where they make you take a cart. I got hooked up with a playing partner who I believe he said is 83.  He hits the ball quite well and played from the same tees I play from.  I had never met him before. As usual, we got to talking between shots and he mentioned that he was a RCMP and he and his wife used to play golf  together. He said “she died not long ago; cancer; blood cancer, a lymphoma, tough stuff. She was a real trooper. She fought it well but there is only so much that you can do.” He explained “we tried everything – we even tried a CAR T cell procedure which at the time was quite new and she lasted about 18 months before it (the cancer) all came roaring back.”  We drove up to his ball. He got out of the cart, grabbed a club, and hit his next shot. Folks, he “pured it.”  Then we drove to my ball, and I grabbed my club and I chunked it.

-       Finally, I must get something off my chest. Here goes: I am not sorry for my life. That is right, I am not sorry for my life. And thus, there is no reason for anyone to be sorry for me. Stop telling others that you are sorry for their cancer. So often, when someone finds out that someone else has cancer the first thing out of their mouth is “Ohh I am so sorry.”

Look, having cancer is a part of our lives. It is how we are living and how we are surviving Maybe you want to help. Maybe you are really concerned. Maybe you are prayerful. All of which can be so comforting and valuable. But being sorry – well just keep that to yourself.

OK on to year twelve. So far, up to this point, it has been quite the ride.

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Song of the Month

Ride My See-Saw by Moody Blues

OK I know, I know: another oldie but goodie.  Well, I am guilty of that.

This is an oldie but goodie.  The Moody Blues were something else (another way of saying they were great back in the day) and this song seems to fit with this month’s post.  According to most music aficionados they used the see-saw as a symbol for life’s ups and downs and through this song they ask us to reflect on our personal growth. Maybe so.

Of course, it is hard to say exactly what they were thinking because well that’s just how things were back then.

Enjoy.