No “Bings”
- Mark Pajak
- Mar 20
- 3 min read
This month’s post turns out to be a bit shorter than previous posts.
OK, quick update on my condition: After 27 months post Car T Cell procedure my oncologist determined that there was no need for a blood draw this month. No new blood numbers, no new ANC or IGg numbers to be gathered. We are holding steady without any treatments or procedures in March. A planned blood draw in early April will be taken and evaluated and if necessary, changes and/or treatments will be considered.
This was huge news. It is the first month in- I really cannot remember when - but I figure it has been at least five years where there is no monthly blood draw to be nervous about.
So, for March, there was no pouring over blood numbers and wondering. No waiting for about three days after the blood draw for the monoclonal peak result which has been the real indictor as to how we are doing in managing my MM.
The way I have it set up to receive my blood draw results is for my computer to “bing” when the latest results are available for review. It is always a stressful time waiting for those “bings.” And when I do hear those “bings” there is a certain amount of approach-avoidance that creeps into my world. I want to know where I am and how I am responding to treatments, etc. Sure, no doubt about that. However, or maybe I should write HOWEVER, I also know that at some point, who knows when, there will be blood draw results that will make me nervous, worried, and very uncertain because they will indicate that this current time of reprieve is over. Somewhere on the horizon, I will have to again face the reality of dealing with an incurable cancer on a daily basis.
These past two plus years have been glorious. Most of the physical difficulties of managing MM have not been present. It has been so nice not having to contend with the side effects of an active chemo protocol. I like not having to go to the hospital for weekly infusions. The mental task of “staying in the now” is easier. Life feels better.
Oh, I know that in life, nothing lasts forever (“but the earth and sky” for all of you Kansas – the band named Kansas - fans out there) Change is what keeps life and ourselves moving forward. I get that. It is most certain that the experiences had of prior struggles and low points in the MM journey elevate the appreciation for what is referred to as “good health”.
In a somewhat strange way or maybe in a way not experienced before, this current time, this current energy is difficult to describe. There is much enjoyment yet there is also a reflective component regarding that which is being experienced. Additionally, for me, a patience or equanimity is also required. It is way too easy to let the mind wander into the territory of “what comes next” -- Will it be ok? Will it be painful? How much longer will the good times last? Slow down and remember/realize that now is not the time for such wanderings
Spring enters. Daylight is extended. I may get to play more golf and begin taking hikes without needing to be concerned about lower elevational snow depths on the trails (yes of course there will be the dastardly spring snow blizzards but those snows do not last very long). I am just about ready to fill up our bird feeder once again.. Everything points forward. Times moves on.
Right now, I must admit that I feel pretty lucky to be moving forward as is.
Song of the Month
Dust In The Wind, by Kansas
It seems as if this song can be viewed either one of two ways:
It’s a terrific, lovely, melodic song that reflects on some very basic truths; beautiful and moving in its simplistic message that resonates a calm and assuredness mindset on a base level …..or….. I suppose it can be viewed as a very poignant and grim reminder to us all regarding the fundamental nature of life.
Either way it is a keeper.
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