In Need of ….?

Hard to believe it is already near the end of May 2026. It has been said that the older you get the faster time flies. Amen to that.

It has been 29 months since my Car T cell procedure (December 2023) and I am holding steady. No blood draw was required in May. Does that mean that all is fine? Well, who knows? The reality is that after over eleven plus years of living with Multiple Myeloma I am not sure what “all is fine” looks like. This Multiple Myeloma journey has presented many different options and opinions. There have been unexpected and expected twists and turns. All the while, few if any answers have been provided. What I do know is that right now I am grateful that I am moving forward.

I am a bit late getting this month’s thoughts out because there have been other medical issues which have needed my attention. The result of which is a later than usual post regarding this MM journey.

It has been a great reminder to me that in life, nothing stays the same and surprises are only a moment away.  In addition, it also has served as yet more tangible evidence that control is but an illusion. So we march on.

OK, here goes: Two words, two definitions/concepts:

Hope:  The feeling of expectation and/or desire for a certain “thing(s)” to happen

Wish:  A strong desire for something that is not easily attainable; wanting something that cannot or probably will not happen

Hope and Wish; Wish and Hope.

It is most likely that any/all cancer journeys at some point include an appointment within the mind with both concepts.

Most probably it goes something like this: Boy, I wish I did not have cancer; I wish I did not have to get these chemo meds; I wish that I felt better; I wish I wasn’t so sick.

Or

I hope the next blood draw comes back OK: I hope my blood numbers indicate progress in managing this MM: I hope this chemo is effective; I hope that everything will turn out OK.

When contemplating the above lines there can be discerned a very distinctive difference between wishing and hoping in regard to living with cancer.

Wishing comes first. It comes incredibly early in the journey. It comes when there is much uncertainty and much consternation. We do not know much about what lies ahead and so we wish. If only we “knew”.

Hope is real. Hope is calculated. Hope is what we think about late at night when we cannot sleep because we may be scared or worried or tired of the poking and prodding that comes with the treatments.  Hope shows up after we “know”.

It seems OK to wish. There does not appear to be too much that can go wrong with wishing. Wishing seems pretty light and flighty. It is not profoundly serious or realistic. I believe that most will acknowledge the whimsy of wishing.

Hope is serious. Hope has legs. Hope can create change or at least it can put into place the ideas, thoughts and possible processes that may bring about a desired change or result. It takes courage to act on our hope(s). Hope is believing in the availability of an alternate reality that may be just around the corner. Hope brings to the picture effort and determination and maybe a bit of luck and guile. It is an active process with many moving parts.

Wishing does not encounter disappointment because well, it may be that wishing is nothing more than fantasy.

Hope can include disappointment and sorrow.

Hope is identifying and making decisions that will help shape the journey. There will be choices picked up and carried for the sake of our goals whatever they may be. All of which leads to decision points where hope is/can be accepted as a teammate to be used in the process of deciding how to move forward.

OK.

Hope. First and foremost, a longer journey. A journey that definitely incorporates a wiser modus operandi.  A journey with a defined value to others and not just to myself.  A journey that will provide an acceptance of suffering and sorrow but not an acquiescence to that sorrow or suffering.

Hope can be a beginning point as well as a point by which a desired end can be defined or identified.

I have pretty much stopped wishing.

I keep working and moving forward with hope.

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Song of the Month

Lean On Me by Bill Withers

A classic no doubt. The opening “humming?” seems to help creates the distinct mood that accompanies this message of hope. Good Tune.