About Yesterday

Month 18 post Car T Cell protocol and my blood numbers are holding steady. Other than the routine monthly shots to increase my ANC (absolute neutrophil count) number and the every two-to-three-month infusion to improve the IGg number not much has been required.  I do seem to feel stronger as we venture further away from 12/26/23 (date for receiving the new T cells) which is welcomed. 

And so, I am at the point where I am finally realizing that sometimes I have trouble accepting good news or believing that “things” are fine for the time being. It is very easy to become guarded or maybe suspicious of this idea or the circumstance of feeling good having survived cancer/Multiple Myeloma treatments for as long as I have. It is almost as if my mind/self needs “the struggle”  

Where would I be if not for this struggle? Do I thank my lucky stars for having this struggle? My goodness, that seems rather odd.

Prior to my blood draw this month I met a couple who were about three weeks out from his stem cell transplant. Diagnosed in January with Multiple Myeloma, they were upbeat and encouraged by results of others who have traveled the path. They were hopeful. However, they were also very concerned because, well, it is cancer and there is no cure, and this was all very new to them. It was exciting in one way while also being very scary in another.  

They asked me what life was like right after the transplant. 

Oh boy, I am not sure I remember ten years ago all that well or accurately. I had to re-adjust and take a moment to remember. 

I said that whatever I told them was my version of how “things” went. It is difficult to guess what a person will physically/mentally feel after a transplant. None the less I gave them a brief synopsis which went something like this: 

• It (life) will never be the same.  It will never seem as certain as it once did.

• Eventually, the need for control will become absent; going through a transplant really makes it imperative that you trust the doctors and nurses who are there to help you

• Strength and stamina take a huge hit; post-transplant requires major effort to build up both

• There is a good chance that hair loss will be experienced though for me it was temporary; it was the first time I got an unobstructed view of the very top of my head.

• Appetite will be pretty much non-existent; and don’t get me started on protein shakes and Gatorade; I still cannot bring myself to buy either of the two at the grocery store

• Watch out for the tremendously improved sense of smell which led to the discovery that the majority of what was around me smelled really bad

• The chemo is rough but that’s expected/not surprising

• Who knows what will happen to your GI system; it is either very firm or very loose

• Getting to go home after almost two months of care in or near the hospital never felt so good

As I was driving back home, I heard the Keith Whitley mega-hit “Don’t Close Your Eyes”.  Hard to believe that song was recorded back in 1988.  And low and behold, as I was listening, I heard the line “just let yesterday go” and like a brick to the face I realized that I had to jot that down.

Just let yesterday go.

Life after or before a stem cell transplant or a Car T cell procedure or whatever other treatment schedule is front and center for the cancer patient requires a firm belief that it is a very wise move to “just let yesterday go”. 

I do not mean that we need to forget. I believe that it is important to honor our journey by remembering what/where the path has taken us. The list shared above made me smile and hopefully helped the couple in some way prepare for their journey.  

It is not about forgetting. It is about letting go. 

That was then, this is now.

A new chapter will begin. New feelings. New circumstances. New worries and concerns. New understandings. New perspective and priorities. Dare I say a new “adventure” awaits with new opportunities to help others, to be kind and gracious, to thank others.  Maybe a new perspective to solve problems and approach circumstances and outcomes that at one time were just put aside for tomorrow will be cultivated.

Life after a cancer diagnosis, a new treatment, a whatever circumstance confronts us is really like life before a cancer diagnosis. Some of it good, some of it not so pleasant. 

I guess, “Just let yesterday go” seems like a good way to start the conversion about what could come next.

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Song of the Month

Don’t Close Your Eyes by Keith Whitley

Pretty Obvious choice given the preceding paragraphs.   

Hard to believe that the song first came out in 1988. It was named Song of The Year in Country Music and Keith was honored posthumously as Artist of The Year.

Enjoy the tune.