Surviving, I Think

Twenty-two months removed from my Car T Cell procedure and overall, my numbers are holding steady. This past month I had an injection of stem cells (harvested some 10 plus years ago when I went through a stem cell/bone marrow transplant) in an attempt at increasing my ANC number which has been hovering in the very low range (as low as 200) for quite some time. The result to date indicates a slightly improved ANC situation. Shots and infusions attempting to generate better numbers most likely will continue. Currently, there is no evidence of a monoclonal peak.

For me, I find the absence of a monoclonal peak indescribably delicious. It is hard to accurately express in words the gratitude that I feel for the CAR T cell procedure. Thank you to all those people who studied hard, did research and “trialed” for the sake of my last twenty-two months.

I am acutely aware that nothing stays the same and that my existing condition is not permanent or even likely to hold up over the next twenty years. I am a cancer patient that has been managing a Multiple Myeloma cancer now for almost 11 years. Multiple Myeloma is at this point not a cancer that can be cured. This unescapable reality of feeling good but knowing it is temporary presents both joy and consternation that just cannot be dismissed or understood completely.

Life moves forward. The existing circumstances being experienced today are just for today. Like the weather in many locals – if you like or dislike the current conditions stick around for an hour – it will usually change.

It is understood that no one knows their specific life timeline. We typically cannot predict when we are going to “leave the building” so to speak. Living with cancer has increased my awareness of the end and in a way that adds to the dilemma that presents itself when making decisions about how to live life between now and then.

Often on this journey, we make our choices based somewhat on the consequences of some “long-term” effect(s) of said choices. Well, when living with MM, how do you define long term – today, three months, three years, ten years, - what is long-term? Would it be wiser to just release any thoughts of a potential “time measured” consequences and consider only the immediate consequences when faced with a “should I do this or that decision”?

A very real and yet mostly unrecognized or at least not readily discussed situation that faces a cancer patient is “how do we make a decision moving forward?”  What set of criteria could/should be used when trying to figure out the next step. It can be difficult to prioritize our desires when there is much uncertainty.

Most of the information available about the health effects of the choices we make regarding lifestyle such as diet, exercise, mental fortitude, etc. is presented within the context of a message that is locked into an extended time-frame dimension.

Well, living with MM and the journey that is laid out to the cancer carrier is not about an extended time-fame scenario. It is more about survival. And I have never run across a sure-fire definition regarding the length of time that this survival represents.

Does it matter if I eat twelve bowls of ice cream in one sitting? Does it matter if I binge watch series after series of TV dramas rather than partaking in daily exercise and physical activity? Or maybe the question really is “how much does it matter?”

Look, life is terminal - and having MM cannot make that more evident or important to understand.

Is this my opportunity to let go - to let loose - to throw caution to the wind and try cliff jumping and paragliding? Would it be of benefit to fully realize that I better do it today because maybe tomorrow will not allow me to consider “running with the bulls in Pamplona.”

Well?

Well?

How about the statement that reads: “Do what you got to do, when you want to do it, if you can do it.”  Is that to become a new lifestyle mantra? Is that the new driving force when faced with cancer?

Life with MM carries a bonus motivator that allows for a noticeably clearer picture as to the precious gift we get to experience when we wake each morning. And very quickly it is understood that you only have one chance at this experience.

Kindness, compassion, love, gratitude, joy, pain, disappointment, elation and all those other particularly important experiences that we get to give and receive during the journey are not time dependent.

Can the issue of “time” be set aside when deciding how to move forward? What presence does it hold for any of us as we make decision about our journey forward?

Today. It is what we have.

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Song of the Month

Searchin’ for a Rainbow, by Marshall Tucker Band

This song is the title track to one of the first albums I ever purchased with my own money.  In my opinion, every song on the album is terrific. Enjoy the unmistakable sound of what many consider to be one of the best southern rock bands.  Enjoy.