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Writer's picture: Mark PajakMark Pajak

Not sure where this is all going, so let us begin here: Welcome to the start of the second decade.

I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (MM)/cancer on a Friday, January 15, 2015. I can still remember the shock that hit me when I heard the doctor say, “you have cancer.” Sitting in my truck in our driveway by myself I was scared and uncertain. I had never heard of MM. Now, 10 years later … boy has that changed. Unequivocally, MM has become one of the most discussed, researched, evaluated, and witnessed subjects in my life.

Prior to diagnosis, I could not move very well. I was in constant pain. In late December of 2014 while in Arizona, I played 18 holes of golf with my son one- handed because I could not swing with both hands on the club. Something was amiss.

Back home, an MRI revealed that my bones had lots of holes. Diagnosis – cancer. First question – how bad? The doctor said not to worry about the “stage” of the cancer. Immediate treatment is what was important. On the Tuesday following the Friday diagnosis, I had my first radiation treatment. On Thursday of that same week, I had my first chemo treatment.

Side bar: I pestered the radiology oncologist who oversaw my “body scan” to find out my “stage” which she said did not apply for blood cancers. But after being insistent about getting some feel for where I was at, she said “ok, if you really want to know, stage 4 out of 5”. OHHH, I wished I had not been so persistent.

After one bone marrow transplant and three other separate chemo protocols over a nine-year timeline, I underwent a CAR T Cell procedure (December 2023). One year later and not having a chemo treatment in over 12 months, I sit here at the computer trying to take stock as my ten-year anniversary unfolds.

Some thoughts:

  1. There are so many people to thank. So many people have worked so hard to keep me alive, to care for me. The cancer journey is a humbling one for sure. Thank you to all. THANK YOU

  2. There are many lessons to learn, however these four really stick out:

    1. It takes a team; You cannot survive by yourself.

    2. Let go of any preconceived ideas about cancer/treatments; the journey you are on teaches you what you need to know; it truly is your cancer.

    3. It helps to have faith; trust the universe; you are right where you are supposed to be.

    4. Understand this reality: You are not in control.

  3. How lucky am I? Well, I am still living. I have a life that I still want to live. I am incredibly grateful for how “things” have turned out. I avoid looking for answers to the “why” questions that can multiply geometrically daily. What does it matter? Throw out the “whys.”  I have been lucky.

  4. When will I die? I remember what the oncologist said at our first meeting when I very shyly asked that question: “Mark, you are going to die! Now, we do not know when. You could get hit by a bus this afternoon. You could have a heart attack tonight. No one knows when you are going to die. Do not worry about that. It is going to happen.”

    He said “What we are going to focus on and what I want you to focus on is dealing with your MM. Keep it simple. MM can be manageable. Let us see how this all goes. He explained that the concerns I had about dying most likely will not change anything related to the proposed treatments.

    To this point, I have survived the treatments recommended and continue to move forward. Here I sit – alive.

  5. What is next? Truthfully, I am still somewhat in awe and a bit foggy as to what has transpired these last ten years. Grateful, yes. There is still a desire to continue to move forward accepting that I can never really know what “comes next” in the short term.

    As a measure of perspective, I just finished reading a piece about someone who passed after a four-year battle with MM. Sobering.

    This past year I traveled as much as I desired though not like I used to. I played plenty of golf though not as much as I used to. I had tons of laughs and some “dark” thoughts as well. I am not certain if these thoughts/laughs occur more or less frequently than before my diagnosis. What is next? Well, tonight I am going to an Avalanche hockey game. Short term thinking gets me by most of the time.

 

Like I wrote at the top of this post, I am not sure where this (my life) is all going.

I now realize that I am not supposed to know where this is all going. Crazy but sometimes what is most obvious can be so hard to see.

And now, on to the next decade.

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1 Comment


mamalani8
22 minutes ago

We appreciate your excellent writing and willingness to share your thoughts and experiences. We have missed the Beacon so much and are so very happy to have found you again. Keep on keeping on.

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